Vanity as a value? This can’t be the way to happiness...

As an influencer says self-obsession can help with personal growth, Helen Coffey asks whether this mindset has robbed us of our sense of community - and our ability to be happy

- Helen Coffey

“The key to unstoppable confidence lies in becoming unashamedly obsessed with yourself.”

Appearing innocently in my inbox, these words made me want hiss like a cat - bare my teeth and unsheathe my claws, hackles raised. The ones that followed were no better: “True self-obsession requires breaking societal conditioning that labels self-focus as selfishness.”

They were part of a mission statement being peddled by Tam Kaur, a self-styled Gen Z self-help and self-transformation expert — yes, that is a fittingly absurd number of “self”s — who is, apparently, aiming to spearhead a self-obsessed “movement” among young women. An Instagram reel sharing her patented “Five Laws of Self Obsession” quickly clocked up 400,000 views and tens of thousands of likes when she posted it last month.

The more I dug into these five laws, the more distasteful I found them. The Boundary Law instructed adherents that mastering self-obsession “means fiercely protecting your personal space and energy... Learn to confidently say ‘no’ without guilt or lengthy explanations.” Sure, on the one hand, boundary-setting can be an important tool in avoiding burnout. On the other, telling your mum you can’t come and help her clear out your late granny’s house because you “don’t have the emotional bandwidth right now” just makes you a callous arsehole.

“Remember that joy is your birthright,” claims the Celebration Law. I mean... is it? Since when? Happiness, though that most elusive of things most of us spend our lives striving for, is not recognised as a universal fundamental human right for a reason.