‘T’m a single gay man and I feel destined to be a dad’

Andrew Swann always wanted children but when he broke up with his boyfriend he decided to try to have one on his own. He explains the emotional ups and downs of surrogacy

- Andrew Swann

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want my own family. Even in my early twenties, as a gay man before gay marriage was legal, I imagined that I’d probably marry a woman to have a family and then sleep with men on the side. It might not have been the best scenario, but that’s how much I wanted kids. I’d originally had it in my head that I’d like to be a dad by the time I was 40. But here I am at 44 – still trying.

I first looked into surrogacy as a single person in 2016. I didn’t realise it wasn’t legal then to do it on your own. It wasn’t until 2019 that the law changed to allow single people to become legal parents of children conceived through surrogacy in the UK. By then I’d also met my boyfriend – we were together for four years. From the very start, I said to him: “I want to have kids.”

It was important for me to have my own biological child. My partner was onboard but it was pie in the sky. He lived in Cornwall and me in Kent – and when the pandemic hit, we put it on the backburner. But as we were coming out of lockdown in 2020, I said to him: “Look, I want to pursue surrogacy.” Unfortunately, we split up. It wasn’t because I wanted to try for a baby, but I knew he wasn’t that keen. I just thought: “I’m not prepared to wait any longer [for the right partner], or to have a relationship get in the way of my dream of becoming a parent.” So within a couple of weeks, I decided to do it alone.

I haven’t faced any stigma – that’s probably because I’ve surrounded myself with people who love and care for me. But I always knew I’d be in the minority being a single gay man trying for a baby.