The word that's more scary than marriage - ‘boyfriend'

These days, the idea of making a relationship even vaguely official can send prospective partners running for the hills. Helen Coffey investigates whether it’s part of a wider trend

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Two female friends, one Gen Z, one millennial, shared two very similar stories about commitment with me recently. The former, whom I’ll call Eve, was dating an eligible and engaging young man – let’s call him Eric. After seeing each other for a few months, they booked their first holiday together; before they went away, “I love you”s were exchanged.

The pair spent a magical long weekend stomping around European churches and museums, returning home more smitten than ever. But despite all of this, the “B-word” – boyfriend – had never, not once, been brought up. While it was assumed that they were exclusive, there was no guarantee: they’d never had The Chat.

The second friend, let’s call her Mel, is a decade ahead in her mid-thirties. She started dating a man 10 years her senior and things quickly became serious, with multiple dates per week, romantic nights away, and plans to meet each other’s families. They were a couple in all but name. But when she asked whether she could call him her boyfriend, he “squirmed”. Things were moving “too fast”, he said – he wasn’t sure he could commit to taking things to the “next level”.

It seems to be part of a wider trend in which any label even vaguely suggestive of commitment raises people’s hackles. A decade ago, deciding to live together, get married or have kids were the serious emotional investment markers.

Making things “official” was, conversely, no big deal – a casual step up from just “dating” or “seeing each other” that might be flung out from a few weeks in once it became clear that things were going reasonably well and neither party was an obvious psychopath. Now, asking to call someone your boyfriend feels tantamount to proposing.