The thought of losing the man I love just terrifies me

The Indy’s agony aunt Victoria Richards is here to help

-  Victoria Richards

Dear Vix,

I’m a 65-year-old gay man, retired. I’ve been with my partner, Ben, since I was 29. We live together, we spend most of our time together, we eat together, we walk the dog together. We get along well, we have shared jokes and we help each other and love each other in whatever ways we can. I’ve never been in love with him (he was with me), but that’s never mattered and I suppose we’re more like brothers now. I think of him as my “life-partner”. We witness each other’s lives and somehow give each other “permission” to be as we are.

When he’s not with me, though - he does a lot of things that don’t involve me — I start to feel a terrible dread. I find it impossible to imagine living without him, and this fear of being left entirely alone can be crushing. Even when he’s with me, I’m afraid of what my life would become were he not here. It worries me how dependent I am on him for my psychological wellbeing, and this worry can become suffocating and oppressive.

I’m not “other-seeking”. I’m socially quite awkward and generally prefer my own company. I find most social interactions, particularly with people I know only slightly, exhausting and stressful - and often bruising. I’ll cross the road to avoid a dog-walking acquaintance, no matter how pleasant or amiable they may be. But being by myself only works when my partner is close by or I know he’ll be back soon. When he’s not, I get what I’ve come to think of as “the swarming”; thoughts which circle and loop and repeat.

It might start with something I haven’t done, then “what does it matter if I do it or not”; then, “what does anything matter”; then, “nothing matters, for anyone, ever”. Continued existence on a dying planet that will eventually be swallowed by a dying sun. There are days when just brushing my teeth can feel like a major achievement.