MOTLEY CRUISE

From death metal in a sauna to mosh pits that rock the boat – literally – Kinza Shenn sets sail on a hardcore music voyage

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You haven’t lived until you’ve heard Polish death metal band Decapitated in a sauna at sunrise. Or been serenaded with satanic death growls while eating French toast, pasta Alfredo and tiramisu, respectively. I’ve been whipped in the face by humid purple hair at a beach bar named Margaritaville and witnessed 10-second rainstorms and double rainbows. I have smelt far too much sweaty leather. I have been officially indoctrinated into the cult of 70000 Tons of Metal.

“You’ll need a vacation after this vacation,” reads a Royal Caribbean brochure for the annual four-day tour sailing from Miami to the Caribbean: a swanky cruise that’s part MTV Spring Break with a smattering of satanists thrown in for good measure. Its success has inspired multiple metal cruises to launch around the world, but an entire liner hosting 60 bands and 3,000 metalheads from 80 countries makes 70K the daddy of the scene – in both scale and infamy. At the inaugural 70K in 2011, revellers drank the cruise dry in less than 24 hours, selling more alcohol than in the entirety of Royal Caribbean’s cruises (70Ks surprising partner) for the year combined.

There’s something extremely metal about being trapped on an upscale cruise ship filled with endless shrieking, like banqueting in hell – where the feast is eternal, but impossible to eat. Extreme metal plays on a loop around the ship during the festival: in the casino, the opulent three-tiered dining hall, the shopping village, the art gallery, the spa, and the parlour serving free pizzas until sunrise. Instead of Robbie Williams and Madonna, the karaoke machine has been reprogrammed with Lamb of God and Slayer.