Sudden impact Welcome to the new season: extreme non-football actions and kids on the pitch

New season. New stuff. New camera angles. Director: "And cut to Ref Cam." Suddenly we are transported from the gliding calm of a wide angle to GoldenEye on the Nintendo 64, except you are not James Bond, you are Simon Hooper peering up at a strange angle of Harvey Barnes.

- Max Rushden

Stop looking around Simon, stand still Simon. As one correspondent to Guardian Football Weekly suggested, it's the Professional Game Match Officials' tribute to Uncut Gems.

New season - wildly terrible predictions. My Premier League winners Manchester City won the title at Wolves on the opening weekend but are now sensationally out of the race after being outplayed by Spurs. Not sure anyone predicted Nuno Espírito Santo to be leading the sack race (nb: written before Grimsby).

New season - the constants that remind you that football never changes. Manchester United without a win - GRIMSBY! West Ham fans streaming out long before the final whistle. Joelinton avoiding a booking. Bournemouth/Wolves/Fulham fans complaining that you haven't talked about Bournemouth/Wolves/Fulham enough. Existential crises north of the border.

Speaking of existential crises... New season - more children concurrently reminding you of your own mortality and lack of general life achievements. Max Dowman: maybe the first Premier League player born after the Soccer AM "glory years" began (I presume that's how everyone measures the passing of time). A 16-year-old scoring the winner for Liverpool at Newcastle (long after his bedtime, etc). Rio Ngumoha is 17 today. You're 16 until you're 17. Happy birthday, Rio.