Bet the Zuck and his $1m watch don't worry about his no-claims discount

The AFSCA (Belgium's federal agency for ensuring food supply chain safety - but of course you knew that) has been forced to issue a warning to the good people of Poirot's homeland not to eat their Christmas trees.

- Lucy Mangan Diary

Monday

This is after the city of Ghent - an environmentalism hotspot in northern Flanders - posted tips on how to recycle their obsolete festive conifers as food, including pine-flavoured butter.

Non, strongly advises the AFSCA. And possibly nee and nein too, given the polyglottal nature of the place and the importance of the issue. Christmas tree needles are likely to be covered in pesticides, flame retardant and other things you wouldn't want to be ingesting freely, especially now your relatives have all gone back home.

I offer you this story in the hope that it will encourage you to join me in following the one rule for life that has never yet let me down: trust no hippy, nowhere. You will die if you do.

Tuesday

A friend asked me if I wanted to go out for lunch with her this week sometime.

"I can't," I said. "I'm already seeing someone this week."

"What?" she said. It was then I remembered that she is quite a new friend - we have only known each other about a year - and she has yet to be fully inducted into the magic that is me.

"I can only do one thing, see one person a week," I explained. "It used to be two. But that's too much now."

"Are you serious?" she said, which was when I remembered she is also 15 years younger than me.

"Yes," I said. "You will understand in time."

"But you work at home alone all day, every day," she said.

"You will understand in time."