Why I can run the NPA

Dear Comrade, While trawling my local newspaper for government jobs that involve huge amounts of money and very little work, I noticed your advert, calling for interested persons to apply for the position of national director of public prosecutions (NDPP).

- Adv Ben Trovato

Let me be clear on one thing. I am nothing if not an interested person. Many of my interests include things that are technically illegal, but you need not worry.

I will change these laws once I am in charge. Primarily, I am interested in finding out what kind of salary I will be earning.

I believe the incumbent, Shamila Batohi, gets R125 000 a month in return for popping into the office around 11am, wrestling with Wordle, reassuring the usual suspects that they're still safe from prosecution, a pre-prandial nap, lunch and back home to work on the memoir.

To be honest - and I think honesty is fairly important if one is to work for the NDPP - the idea of earning R1.5 million a year speaks to me on many different levels and I undertake to spend at least four hours a day in or near the office.

So, there's an ANC-friendly panel that will scrutinise the applications and recommend a shortlist of candidates to the president? This isn't going to work for me. By the time the panel is done and Ramaphosa has applied what little remains of his mind, I could be in a retirement home for the criminally insane.

We need to move fast. I cannot live on hope and slivers of dried rat for months on end.