Go figure these sums

The auditor-general (AG) of South Africa earns around R5 million a year.

- 

That's 3,652 bathtubs filled to the brim with Captain Morgan. Given a choice, would I take her job or the rum? Ten bags of ice to go, please. It would probably kill me, but so would having to audit the country's 275 municipalities and at least I'd die with a smile on my ruined face.

According to the AG's official website, Tsakani Maluleke was the first woman to be appointed to this role in over 100 years. Imagine smashing through the glass ceiling after a century of control by the patriarchy and then be expected to make sense of Ditsobotla's financial records.

In a briefing to parliament, Maluleke struggled to portray her findings in a way that MPs would still be able to enjoy their preprandial drinks without feeling too much guilt at what a mess the country is in because of their laissez-faire approach to oversight.

"The good news is that we are back to 41 clean audits, which is where we started in 2021." Hooray. It's back to the future then. Looked at from a less reassuring angle, only 15% of municipalities were declared healthy.

This is worse than the 17% I got for maths in matric. When word got out, everyone wanted to beat me. Teachers, the headmaster, my parents. Even complete strangers lined up to take a crack at my quivering buttocks. Let that be a lesson to you, boy. Sadly, much like 85% of our municipalities, I've never quite grasped the connection between money and hard work.