BEACHCOMBER 108 YEARS OLD AND AS BRIGHT AS A PORPOISE...

THANK you for attempting to access the Beachcomber column. Your accessing attempt may be recorded for training and monitoring porpoises.

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No, we did not say “purposes”. We are trying to train porpoises to deal with calls and to monitor other porpoises. Porpoises are quite bright and having them deal with calls will leave Beachcomber free to write his column without interruptions. Please listen carefully to the following menu:

1. Smoked salmon and prawn quiche; 2. Chicken and mango salad; 3. Rhubarb fool; 4. Assorted cheese with crackers.

Oh, sorry. Beachcomber seems to have given us the wrong menu. That was the menu for his Glyndebourne picnic. Hang on a moment. We'll see if we can find the right one. Thank you for your patience.