Err apparent

Is there a fight you keep having, over and over? Is it rooted in an immutable past? Here's why the guilt trip makes things so much worse

- Simran Mangharam

No one wins, in the end: In Malcolm & Marie (2021); starring Zendaya and JD Washington baggage surfaces in a fight that stretches on, with damage done and no clear resolution.

A forgotten birthday. A career setback. A terrible mistake made with money. These things can cause great hurt, within a relationship. There is one thing that makes such a problem far worse, and it is the guilt trip.

When we hold against a person something they already regret, it can shatter the balance that any good relationship relies on. In my years working with couples, I have encountered, over and over, the wreckage this form of lashing-out can cause.

I am currently coaching a husband and wife, let's call them Tina and Manoj, who have been married 20 years. Her inability to let something go is currently threatening his ability to function in the world, and endangering their relationship.

Manoj runs his own consulting company; Tina is an executive with a software firm. Three years ago, he loaned a large sum to a former college mate who was starting a new venture. Tina was aware of the loan.