I'm dusting off my CV for the House of Windsor vacancies

To whom it may concern, Royal Persons Human Resources Department. Dear King, it has come to my attention that you have a pair of sudden vacancies in your York department. I am writing to you today to offer the services of my husband and myself as the new 'Yorks'.

- Susan Morrison

I'll freely admit, on paper, we probably don't fit your ideal candidate outline. For one thing, we aren't actually related to you.

Some would see this as a drawback. From where I'm standing, it's looking like a positive benefit.

Second, must be honest here, I have been known to harbour faintly Bolshevik views of monarchy, but given recent history, hanging out with Marxists seems mild next to clubbing sweat-free in the company of a creepy, island-owning billionaire.

Yes, my political views are faintly pinkish but that's quite trendy in tree-hugging Royal circles these days and in any case, show me a bit of bling, a freebie house with good access to the shops and the chance to ride about in a golden carriage and I can be persuaded of the value of the monarchy, and my role in it.