HOW TO DEFUSE A BOMB, ACCORDING TO MY MOM

OK, SWEETIE, NOW just stay calm and don't panic. I SAID DON'T PANIC. You're making me nervous.

- Laura K. Duncan

Now, to do this the RIGHT way, we need a portable X-ray unit. Of course, your father always forgets the portable X-ray unit. He remembers the dog's birthday. He remembers to refill the hummingbird feeder. He remembers the name of every horse in every Western ever produced in the history of cinema. But he forgets the portable X-ray unit. I have to do everything. Anyway, it's time to locate the detonator.

Do you have a protective suit, honey? I bet you look so precious in a protective suit. It's not patronizing― what does that even mean? Well, I suppose if you don't have a protective suit, you can tape a bunch of throw pillows to your head and torso. I have about two dozen on that love seat in the front room. I sure hope it's enough. Let's see if I can get a look at the battery on this thing. That reminds me: The TV remote needs new batteries. I'll let your father know by shouting.