Fade Away

How to deal with the end of a friendship

- BY Sarah Liss ILLUSTRATION BY Holly Stapleton

KIM FRY, A 40-SOMETHING teacher in Halifax, tries her best to live by her values. As a lifelong grassroots activist, Fry’s commitment to progressive causes informs the way she approaches her family, her job as an educator and her relationships. She's aware that her dedication to lefty politics may seem over-the-top to some people, and she’s okay with it. Those in her carefully chosen network largely understand—and share—her principles.

So Fry was alarmed when, well into the Covid-19 pandemic, people in her circle started posting conspiracy theories and vaccine myths on social media. “It was scary,” she says, “because these are people I felt politically aligned with—in some cases for more than two decades.” Fry shared resources and tried to engage in healthy debate. But with one longtime friend, she says, she found herself fighting a losing battle.

Fry was gobsmacked to see her pal voice support for the “Freedom Convoy” in Ottawa, while also seeming to dismiss the presence of hateful and xenophobic messaging. In numerous private conversations, her friend held firm. “It was so hard,” Fry says, sadly. “I really thought we could come to a place of understanding.”

Even in normal times, we gain and lose pals all the time. One 2009 study found that adults replace 50 per cent of their social circle every seven years. But how do you decide when a friendship has run its course? And, once you do, what's the best way forward?

Be Clear and Accountable