THIS BACON FAKERY MUST STOP

I WAS RECENTLY given bacon-flavored dental floss for my birthday. My first question was: Who the hell gives dental floss as a gift? My second question was: Has bacon gone too far?

- David Zimmer

By my estimation, only someone who doesn't understand oral hygiene would give bacon dental floss as a gift. It's very simple: When we clean our teeth, the goal is to remove all the bits of mushed-up food and God-knows-what and replace them with a clean mouth landscape, preferably minty fresh.

Bacon-flavored floss is a terrible idea because after eliminating the vestigial guck of our daily chewing, no one wants to be left with the taste of food they didn't actually eat. That's why Stilton mouthwash and Miracle Whip whitening strips have yet to be invented.

Now to the meaty question at hand: Has bacon gone too far? Absolutely not.

You see, bacon is the victim here. It's an old-fashioned product that is honest and delicious.

It might get the cold shoulder from Canada's Food Guide, but bacon doesn't mind. Bacon knows it is loved and respected and has incalculable mojo.