YOU DON'T HAVE TO smile

Most of us were taught from a young age to be polite — to smile, to say thank you, to make others feel comfortable.

- KATE BECKWITH

But for many women, those small lessons carried a louder message: your needs come second.

If you've ever offered a polite smile when your body was saying no, or brushed off discomfort for the sake of keeping the peace — you're not alone. You were trained to do that.

As a psychodynamic psychotherapist, I see this conflict all the time: the inner tug between instinct and expectation. Between what we feel in our bodies and what we believe we're allowed to say out loud.

These small moments — a forced smile, a half-laugh, a silence when something crosses a line — are often rooted in deeper experiences of not being believed or safe to speak up. It happens in changing rooms, on trains, near building sites, in public parks, and at family gatherings. Anywhere — and often, when we are least prepared for it. Someone makes an inappropriate comment. A stranger insists on a hug. Someone reaches out to touch your child. And because we've been taught to be agreeable, we might freeze. Half-smile. Shrink.

That's not weakness. It's conditioning. And it is possible to unlearn this.

The body knows first

Shame often creeps in when we're not received how we hoped. It disconnects us from ourselves. But the work of emotional growth lies in the ability to pause, stay present, and choose how to respond. And for women, that pause often begins in the body.