Busting the myths about attachment

It’s all over Social media at the moment, but are labels like anxious’ and avoidant’ being thrown around too much by people who have no idea what they really mean? Expert Laura Mucha explains all

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Attachment theory is the most significant theory of human relationships in the last century.

It's used by psychologists, psychotherapists, social workers, teachers, nurses, parents and more - and it's probably all over your social media feed.

While many professionals know and use the word 'attachment', research suggests they don't necessarily know that much about it even when they're claiming to base their work on it. And in popular writing, it's usually oversimplified, or even incorrect.

But when properly understood, attachment theory can help explain how and why we see things, pay attention, manage our emotions, remember, think and reflect when it comes to close relationships. In other words, it's a game changer.

One of the most important ideas is that we're all predisposed to turn to Someone Important when we're hurt, worried, upset or scared.

As a child, this might be a relative, teacher or neighbour. As an adult, this might be a family member, romantic partner or best friend.

Ideally, this Important Person would be there for us when we need them. By 'there for us', I mean being available, willing and able to comfort and protect us. Then, when this happens over and over again, we start to trust that we have a safe haven when we need it.

This is called 'security'.

Once we have that trust, we can use that Important Person as a 'secure base' - we can venture off into the world to explore and learn, safe in the knowledge that if we need help, we'll get it.

But for some children, their experiences with Important People mean they don't fully trust that they'll have a safe haven when they need one.

This is called 'insecurity'. Around half of us are classified as insecure.

Insecurity can take different forms. You might try to hide your upset, hurt, worry or fear. You might try really hard to get your Important Person's attention - and keep it. Or you might seem apprehensive around them.