Tap Your Inner Strength

Rah-rah self-esteem boosts are falling out of fashion. What's in: self-compassion-a more stable, sustainable way to feel confident. And it's a skill you can learn, practice, and master!

- Cassie Shortsleeve

On the long list of wants in life-to be healthy, happy, fulfilled-feeling really, truly good about yourself likely takes a top spot for many people. And that comes with building confidence, which usually means improving your self-esteem-an internal judgment of your self-worth or "an evaluation of worthiness," says Kristin Neff, PhD, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin.

Perhaps the most talked-about method for pumping yourself up is to tip the needle in the direction you want, telling yourself to work harder, get stronger, and develop grit. But now, psych experts are poking holes in that theory, noting that while elevating your self-esteem can certainly be a pathway to more confidence, it has its pitfalls. Self-esteem is tied to external validation, like compliments at work or likes on an IG post, so it's fragile, says Christopher Germer, PhD, a lecturer in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. When things don't go right, comparison, feelings of isolation, and criticism creep in.

Say you're falling behind on your marathon-training plan and angry with yourself about it. You might think, ll try harder because I feel inadequate. In the short term, that may work, but in the long run? Nope. When you get down on yourself, you wind up doubting yourself, which makes it harder to take risks, learn, and grow. You become afraid of failure, and you're more likely to give up than totry again.

An alternate way to a more assertive you: self-compassion, which involves showing yourself kindness when youre struggling, failing, or noticing something you don’t love about yourself. Self-compassion isn’t about measuring up to expectations; it’s a way of relating to yourself as a human. By caring and expressing concern for yourself during hard times, you're able to persevere and create changes.