Connection Session

The case for couples counseling—before you really need it. Eyes on the lasting-relationship prize!

- Lindsay Geller

When you hear that a seemingly rock-solid couple is going t counseling, it's all too easy to assume the worst. Couples therapy is often seen as the last stop en route to Splitsville, because we're largely a disaster-driven society, says Melissa Fulgieri, LCSW, author of Couples Therapy Activity Book. In fact, unhappy couples wait nearly three years after problems start to see a counselor, per a study from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. "Oftentimes, people come through my door when they're in the state of crisis, and they just can't take it anymore," says Fulgieri. "Part of my work is helping them not be so crisis-driven." Think about it: It's like going to the doctor only when something's wrong and not for your yearly checkups.

On top of that deprioritization, when you add stigma surrounding couples therapy and a collective long-held view of therapy solely as a treatment to the mix, it's no wonder couples counseling is still seen as an act of desperation rather than an act of love, according to Rachel Wright, a marriage and family therapist specializing in sex therapy. Many couples resist acknowledging minor obstacles as worthy of professional help because they worry that naming even the smallest struggle will inadvertently create an opportunity for a self-fulfilling prophecy. "I hear couples say all the time, 'We want to come to counseling, but we don't have any huge problems. That doesn't mean you don't have any problems, right?" Fulgieri says. "You're two human beings trying to build a life together. Of course there are problems."