Breaking free of comparison

Every time you catch yourself thinking, “They’re doing it better,’ your inner child remembers being told to be more like someone else. But what if this instinct to compare isn’t natural at all — rather, it’s a carefully constructed habit with roots in your earliest memories? Unpacking this inheritance might just be the key to reclaiming your sense of worth.

- Fleur Chambers

If you're reading this, chances are you already know your childhood and social conditioning shaped who you are right now. Maybe you've met your inner child in a guided meditation, unpacked your past in trauma-informed therapy, or laughed (a little too knowingly) at a meme about '90s parenting fails.

We have long known that big T trauma (for example, abuse or neglect in the family of origin, racism, poverty or the loss of a parent) can create a lasting physical, mental and emotional impact on a person. But only in more recent times have we discovered that little t trauma (for example, harsh comments by parents, being bullied at school or reading toxic body-image content) can also leave an imprint, especially during formative years when we are developing our psyche and sense of self. The landmark book, The Body Keeps the Score, by pioneering psychiatrist and trauma researcher Bessel van der Kolk has helped this important topic reach mainstream publications and conversations.

We now know that it's quite possible that being told by your mother to “be more like your sister” or hearing your dad respond irritably to your tears with “toughen up” may have impacted your sense of confidence, self-worth, emotional safety and experience of belonging as an adult. Over time, these moments may have encouraged you to construct masks of self-protection like perfectionism, people-pleasing, procrastination, pushing down emotions, self-imposed high expectations and numbing out.