How I Found My Shade

I discovered myself by rejecting the slow burn of the seven-step beauty ritual.

- Tanishka Aggarwal

The beginning of the COVID-19 lockdown was the time of aggressive Chloe Ting workouts, intermittent diets, and the much-awaited 'glow ups'. I, on the other hand, was one of the few who went in the opposite direction. Finally liberated from the drudgery of waking up every day to go somewhere, I let go—and how. Entrapped at home in New Delhi for almost two years, binge-eating and binge-watching, my body became unrecognisable to me. To put this into perspective, even before the lockdown, I was never one of the 'skinny' ones. For context, the internet says I have a pineapple-shaped figure. Add 20 kgs to that and you have an identity crisis.

Then came the unsolicited comments from neighbours, friends, and family. Awaiting the day I'd get back to looking like my old, 'normal' self, I coerced myself to stay inside as much as possible. I refused to meet anyone. And college being online obviously helped matters. Despite everything, I couldn't get my body to workout, and as I kept gaining weight, the shame just kept compounding.

The mirror was my greatest enemy. I remember trying on an old pair of jeans from before the lockdown days and just bawling in my room, looking at my own reflection as the button didn't button up. My muffin top was not just a top anymore, it was spilling out of my jeans. The debilitating self-worth was real. And the solution? Find ways to cope and compensate. Growing up, the way to do this was to be a high achieving, A-grade teacher's pet and/or an obedient, sycophantic elder daughter. But school got over long ago; that wasn't an option anymore. It is then that I 'discovered' the lipstick. Very much like the moment when a baby realises it has hands, I realised I had a colour-infused, cylindrical bullet—the cure to my maladies. It didn't matter if I was a size L, XL or (gasps!) XXL. Any shade, any brand, it was all mine. The mental Olympics of the trial rooms was over. The lipstick became my saviour.