STRAW MAN

It is “the Policy of the United States to end the use of paper straws.” . . . [Justice] Department components shall take appropriate action to identify and eliminate any portion of policy or guidance documents designed to disfavor plastic straws.

- JOHN KENNEY

—Memo from the Office of the Attorney General of the United States, March 11, 2025.

It is the policy of the United States to end the use of Dijon mustard. Mustard is yellow and made in America and not in France. France is a stupid place. The Justice Department and components will identify and eliminate any mustard that isn't yellow French’s Mustard, although henceforth the name “French's” will be eliminated in favor of the word “Normal.” This policy enforces not only the use of yellow mustard but also the elimination of such condiments as chutney and piccalilli. The words “chutney” and “piccalilli” are, as of this writing, illegal in the United States, because no one knows what they are.