I BITE BACK

Best practices require that I state at the outset that I do not possess a law degree, paralegal training, formal or informal knowledge of the laws of this city, county, state, or country, or any familiarity whatsoever with the traditions of conduct associated with Judeo-Christian law.

- IAN FRAZIER

In any legal proceeding, I have no authority to represent anybody but myself.

However, as you can see from my billboards and bus-shelter ads, I do possess a dog and a bull. The dog, when it opens its mouth, shows off its large, pointed teeth, connected top to bottom by strands of saliva. My bull is of the breed that, when you mess with it, you get the horn. If you're wondering why my bull has only one horn, that is the reason. As for my own teeth, they make the dog’s teeth and the bull’s horn seem like nothing. Though I cannot sue the people or entities that have wronged you, I BITE BACK, and you will owe me nothing until I bite.

Injured at work? I will bite the headquarters of the company that’s responsible, chew up the chain-link fence around its employee parking lot, and gnaw the vents of its HVAC system from the outside. After seeing this, the wrongdoers usually rush to settle. Trip on a sidewalk? I will bite that sidewalk.