Making THE CUT

In isolation, Mr. D has swapped hardware for haircare

- JOY GOSNEY

Here is a list of things that nobody will want to hear about, ever again, while they have breath in their body:

1. My lockdown ordeal, by a famous actress who lives in a beautiful country retreat with 20 acres and a butler in his mid-20s who looks like a fitter version of Joe Wicks.

2. How to keep beautiful at home, by the model in her early 20s who would still look stunning if she’d been stranded on a desert island for two years, rescued, then dragged through a hedge backward after crawling out of a train wreck.

3. How friends and neighbors have all read the complete works of Proust, learned ancient Greek, lost 10lb, written four novels, released a hit single that they recorded on their phone, cloned their cat in a laboratory set up in the spare bedroom, built a working model of the Large Hadron Collider from scrap metal in the garage and some garden hose, and earned £10m by boasting about all this on YouTube.