Not Tonight, Darling!

A difference in libido is a reality of many relationships and can cause great conflict. Grace Abelola, who has always wanted less sex than her husband, went in search of a solution.

- Grace Abelola

My husband has always been the ‘high-libido’ partner in our relationship. Back in the chandelier-swinging early days, when I was up for it every night, he was still raring to go in the mornings.

Now, 10 years married, I love him as much as ever, but our sex life has dwindled, along with my desire. These days, we make love about once a month – and that is with prompting. While I know he is no longer raring for sex on a daily basis, I also know that he is not completely happy with the situation, and neither am I. But what can we do about it?

A mismatch in libidos is a fact of life in many relationships, but it is also a prime source of unhappiness and cause of divorce. One partner is unsatisfied, the other feels under pressure – it’s a recipe for resentment. I want to find a better way to deal with it. I am hoping that Mike Lousada, a sex counsellor and psychotherapist, may be able to help.

Duty Versus Desire

Lousada starts off by reassuring me that our situation is far from unusual. ‘Some would argue that there is always a high-desire partner and a low-desire partner – there’s always an imbalance,’ he tells me. ‘And the point is that neither one is better than the other – no position is right or wrong. But the person who is the low-desire partner generally controls the supply of sex in the relationship.’

The question, Lousada says, is about ‘what kind of sex you want to have’. We talk about my dwindling interest in sex. He says he sees many women in my situation, who have lost their libido within a long-term relationship, and that, when they discuss their sex lives, they say it is all a bit mechanical – the men just want to get on with it. But that is not the case with us – my husband is the one who wants to linger and spend time, I’m the one who is often rushing things along.