Heartful Communication: Listening with the Intent to Understand

In this 3-part series, LIZ KINGSNORTH introduces the value of effective communication, the basic principles of Heartful Communication, and how it can guide our understanding of our personal feelings and needs, and the feelings and needs of others, ultimately leading to a more consistent state of harmony. In part 3, Liz shares how listening can be a powerful and empathetic tool of communication.

- LIZ KINGSNORTH

We can listen in a range of ways. We can listen in attentive silence, offering our alert presence, communicating acceptance, respect or care, without words. Or we might need to listen for factual information – for example in a work meeting – and then we can check back with the speaker if what we have picked up is accurate.

Perspective taking is another way to listen. Paying attention and acknowledging someone’s perspective or opinion, particularly when it is very different from our own, requires us to be centered and to let go of any urge to persuade them they are wrong! If our intention is connection not correction, we first listen for their way of seeing things and then we may reflect back to them our understanding of their perspective. “So, your view is that vaccination should be compulsory for everyone, is that right?” Remember, you don’t need to agree with their perspective, but when someone feels accurately heard, not immediately argued with, not judged, they are much more likely to be open to hearing your perspective also.

Another level is to listen for how a person is feeling, and we can offer back what we sense. For example, someone might say, “My husband is never at home. He’s married to his job!” Even though feelings are not explicitly named here, we can sense that this person is in pain about her situation, that she has feelings of frustration and anger, perhaps loneliness, or even despair. If we gently respond to this outburst by asking if she is feeling a bit hopeless and alone, she may experience relief from being heard; here is someone really trying to understand her experience.