Tough love

Caring for an elderly parent can be difficult, especially if there are unresolved issues from the past. Judith Laing* tries to find a way through the emotional minefield

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Packing my belongings to leave work, a colleague asks me if I am heading straight home. When I explain that I am off to visit my 90-year-old mother, she tells me how lucky I am. ‘You must cherish every moment – when she dies, you will miss her so much,’ she says.

I am a supply teacher and this nice woman has been my assistant for the morning. I smile as if in agreement. If I tell her how much I loathe my mother, she will think me heartless – and I may have to work with her again.

Back in time

Dread fills me as I drive to my mother’s flat. When I open the door, I become a prickling, monosyllabic teenager again – different from the positive, happy person I have been all day. I put the meals I have cooked for her in the fridge, bundle up her laundry to take home and do chores. She is not pleased to see me and is indifferent to my help. She sulks. This is better than a tirade of criticism, so I keep my head down and tell myself that today will not be so bad.

When the doorbell rings, I am pleased. I am expecting the caller – a new cleaner. The previous woman left. She lasted longer than most at five months. I usher the woman in and introduce her to mother. My mother is rude and adamant that she has already arranged a new cleaner – for half the cost. I am furious. It has taken my sister three weeks to find this woman and now she is dismissed. I know my mother is lying and I will have to find time to clean the flat. I phone my sister and we confront my mother about her story. She will not back down and something inside me snaps. I shout at the top of my voice, my heart is thumping and my face is red. Later, at home, I feel wretched. This is not the first time my mother has reduced me to acting like a child.