Here's to Absent Friends

After losing people I love, the festive season hasn't been the same. But now I'm determined not to grow old or spend the holidays all alone.

- By Michael Arceneaux

I LOST A FRIEND TO SUICIDE ON THANKSGIVING MORNING IN 2019.

We'd texted back and forth the night before. He had some things on his mind, but it wasn't a heavy dialogue. I told him that I understood how hard life can be, but that it will get better. We were supposed to talk it out and laugh that Sunday.

It's painful to accept that he made other plans.

I was in the middle of my Thanksgiving Day routine (watching old episodes of Friends and A Different World themed around the holiday) when I got the call. Tears fell, but I was otherwise paralyzed by the news. Before our text exchange, we had spoken on the phone about plans to hang out. He sounded like himself, but simply said he had a lot going on and needed some time alone.

I didn't know at the time that he had been dealing with suicidal ideation, but it was not unfamiliar terrain for me. By then, I knew two other friends who had attempted suicide. Thankfully, they were both unsuccessful, but the reality is, if someone is determined to leave, they will find a way.

I am not afraid of aging, but learning of my friend's death stoked my fear that I won't get to grow old with as many people I care about as I would like.

I spent that Thanksgiving with the same folks who had introduced me to my late friend five years prior. As much as I love my family, I'm careful about when I decide to go home. My childhood was fraught with a lot of drunken outbursts from my father, especially around the holidays. My mother may be my greatest champion and favorite person in the world, but my sexuality was initially a source of great strife between us. Some painful memories linger.