Sorry Is The Hardest Word

- Louisa Kamps

Acknowledging badly bruised feelings and mending fences has never been so imperative, both at a political level and among neighbours, so psychologist Harriet Lerner is stepping up to help us. She shares her thoughts on saying sorry well and deciding which apologies we should accept. After all, she says, it’s part of the human condition to “take turns at being the offender and the offended”.

FIRST, QUIT APOLOGISING UNNECESSARILY

It interrupts the flow of conversation and irritates the person who has to stop and offer reassurance, like, “Don’t worry about it.” Just as difficult as toning down the overuse of “sorry” is offering an apology when one is due. Even over-apologisers become non-apologisers when it comes to taking responsibility for behaviours that conflict with our favoured image of ourselves. And the more serious the wrongdoing, the harder it is to offer a genuine apology without excuses or blame-reversing.