Consciously Coupled

Every relationship has its issues, so why the taboo? Sophia Bennett lifts the veil on marriage counselling and finds a pre-emptive strike is increasingly par for the course.

- Sophia Bennett

“I’m going to ask you to sit facing each other and look deeply into each other’s eyes for a whole minute,” our marriage therapist told us, 10 minutes into our first session. “It’s a mindfulness exercise that enhances intimacy and establishes a deeper psychic connection between lovers,” she explained, using many of my least favourite words in a single sentence. Dutifully, my husband and I rearranged our chairs and tamped down the instinct to back out of her sandalwood-scented practice room and make a run for it. Because we had come this far. We had realised after two years in marital S-town that therapy might be the only road out. So while she retied a block-print headscarf that suggested she had a Kwanzaa festival to get to after our 50-minute hour, we locked eyes and waited.

And then her phone dinged. And then again. “Sorry,” she said, fumbling in her basket. “Stay present, loving partners, I’m just going to quickly check this in case it’s my son needing a ride.” Three more dings and we got up, thanked her for her ruinously expensive time and left without a follow-up appointment.

Technically, our first experience with couple counselling had the makings of a killer anecdote – the therapist with message alert issues – except my husband and I had decided not to tell anyone that we had chosen to get help. We were embarrassed. Ashamed, I think, that we couldn’t fix things ourselves and worried that friends would see it as a sign our marriage was on its last legs, instead of what it actually was – a Hail Mary attempt to break patterns of behaviour that we set up before our first anniversary, and chart a different course in our marriage.