My Mom Is Always Agitating Me-but Am I the Problem?

Solutions to, um, universal problems, from our new advice columnist, therapist Minaa B.

- Minaa B

Dear Minaa,

I'm wondering if I could be better at dealing with my mom's increased need to communicate after I got pregnant during the pandemic.

We've lived on opposite coasts since I went to college, and I like it that way. It's not like my mom and I have a bad relationship-I just don't feel the need to be physically or geographically near her all the time.

For the most part, we've communicated in a normal, healthy way. But when my dad died several years ago, things changed. My parents were divorced and had been since I was a little kid. But my mom kept pressing me for more information on how I was feeling and what I was going through at the time. It felt really invasive, like she wanted to be a part of my grief even though I didn't want to talk about it with her. I could tell that she wanted that experience to be a shared one, but it wasn't.

Since then, I've tried to put up more boundaries, but it seems like it's only made her want to reach out more. She'll call me on a Tuesday afternoon and start asking deep questions I just don't have the time or emotional bandwidth to get into. Other times, she'll comment on one of my Instagrams from, like, seven years ago and then text me to see if I saw it. It feels like the more I try to explain the best way to communicate with me, the more frustrated and confused she gets. I thought that expecting my own kid would give me an empathy boost, but to be honest, it's done the opposite.