IMMERSIVE FAT IDIOT SON

Skyrim's hardest quest is raising this kid

- By Joshua Wolens

When my 11-year-old son took a guard's arrow to the dome, it occurred to me I had failed as a parent. Rufus is my Fat Idiot Son, a mod for Skyrim created by nerdofprey that promises “a new level of realism, depth, and challenge” via the introduction of “your useless, fat, disappointment of a son”.

Rufus is, logic dictates, the fruit of an illicit tryst my character had 11 years ago, and he is activated by means of a large wooden lever located behind the Honningbrew Meadery. “Enable Your Fat Idiot Son,” reads the UI popup when you hover over it. “Be warned: once Rufus is unleashed upon your game, there’s no getting rid of him, ever,” cautions the mod's description. I considered this a challenge. I would take the clay of this pimple-faced, impudent boy and mold him into a man. He would be my crowning triumph. He might even surpass me.

I HATE MY SON

The first obstacle to my rearing an heir was that I did not, in fact, possess him. When you pull the lever at Honningbrew Meadery, Rufus does not appear. Rather, a woman dashes across a nearby bridge (in my game, pursued by a saber-toothed tiger, which may have either been scripted or a beautiful coincidence) and informs you that your son has been abducted by a cabal of witches.

This would be his first challenge, I decided. His first roadstone on the long path to adulthood. Once I had broken him free of his cage, he and I would—mother and son—clear the area of his kidnappers. He would be blooded. Good stuff!