Snore wars! New regime means I'll sleep for England

My watch says I sleep like an Unconcerned Lion. Sadly, I move like a throttled macaque and heal like a pensioned pelican.

- with Richard Ord

This new fitness watch of mine is, as expected, overseeing my steady decline in meticulous detail.

Early doors, the watch was encouraging me to increase my steps, go to the gym, drink plenty of fluids and get that heart rate up.

Like the obedient watch slave that I am, I did just that, with runs, sports, Olympic-level water gargling and adrenaline-pumping activities.

The last one involves a little stretching of the imagination.

I play village cricket. Adrenaline levels and heart rates rise only when confronted with a particularly poor tea.

"What, no sausage rolls?' he fumed.