What if we invested in saving marriages instead of normalising divorce?

Our efforts to destigmatise divorce may have gone too far. If a marriage can be salvaged, let's teach couples how to give it a chance.

- Laremy Lee

Recently released figures from the Department of Statistics (DOS) show 7,382 marriages were dissolved in Singapore in 2024. I never thought mine would be one of them.

In December 2019, I was blindsided when my wife suddenly said, "I never loved you to begin with", packed her bags and left.

Shattered, I sought advice from family and friends, determined to save our marriage. Yet, everyone — women and men alike — told me to give up.

Dumbfounded, I asked if they would take their own advice if the roles were reversed. All hesitated before saying no.

This happened shortly before Covid-19 upended the world. Though the pandemic was a global tragedy, the isolation gave me space to make sense of what had happened.

I found answers in books like The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis and The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver, whose wisdom hit me hard.

Gottman and Silver identify four destructive behaviours that predict the end of a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

I had exhibited all these negative traits and more, having become someone neither P nor I could recognise.

When P told me she needed love, care and graciousness, I dismissed her pleas.

Worse, I had been emotionally and verbally abusive, often berating P publicly and being domineering.

It took the enforced isolation of P's departure and the lockdown to grasp how affected I was by my toxic work environment and how much poison I had brought home.

Like many victims of bullying, I became a bully myself, inflicting the pain from my workplace on P.

To be clear, I am neither blaming anyone for the breakdown of our marriage nor making excuses for my terrible behaviour.

I hurt the woman I loved most and take full responsibility for that. Recognising this, I asked P for a second chance, to no avail.