I can’t keep an erection – and it’s ruining my sex life

The Indy’s agony aunt Victoria Richards is here to help

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Dear Vix,

After a tough upbringing in a foreign country and then a rushed migration and botched settlement period here in the UK, what emerged from my twenties was a young man scraping the bottom of the confidence barrel when it comes to relationships. I used to just assume I was shy, but there’s shy and then there’s “slipping-anonymous-notes-onto-someone’s-desk-with-cryptic-messages-that-only-subtly-hint-at-me” weirdo shy.

I baulk when I think of those times, now. I can confirm I grew out of the notes phase. Eventually, I was approached by an older woman online and we became lovers over a three-year period, but we lived in different cities and could only see each other every fortnight or so. It didn’t last beyond her justifiable ultimatum that I make an honest woman of her; I didn’t put her first in the moment of decision, and she rightly moved on.

My thirties were punctuated by declining health, focusing on a new career path and two encounters which broke me; I failed to perform sexually as a man in both situations (I had erectile dysfunction – ED – with two different women), and I can tell the ED has now “taken root”. I’m also on meds (in my forties), which work against what other men typically take to address ED, but I’m DESPERATE for any affection at this point.

At what point do I count myself as incapacitated in a sexual sense, and/or are there specialist dating services for persons like me? Please help.

Mr 15-Year Dry Spell :(

Dear Dry Spell,