DEAF OR GLORY

The UK entry for this year's Eurovision is an objectively terrible melange of synthesisers and very loud heterosexual male energy, but at least it's not beige

- Adam White

Let's get the obvious out of the way: Britain's entry for this year's Eurovision Song Contest is a terrible racket. It is SO MERCILESSLY LOUD, to an extent that can only truly be conveyed by WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS AT ALL TIMES. But I'll try not to. The work of a synthesiser-wielding EDM scientist named LOOK MUM NO COMPUTER (sorry), “Eins, Zwei, Drei” chucks together horny moans, plinky-plonky synths, thick stabs of bass, and a man who just won't stop shouting. You're desperate to give him the information he wants, but you just don't have it. It's giving “Parklife” gone wrong. It's giving Guantanamo Bay.