Tills and thrills: an instore private members' lounge seems right up my street

At last.

- Lucy Mangan

Monday

I have been waiting a year for this moment. I must apologise to you all. Twelve months ago, in this very organ, nay in this very feature, I noted that we were in the hazy, lazy, crazy days between Boxing Day and new year and wished you all a happy “Christmas perineum”.It should have been, of course, “Merryneum”. It has been bothering me ever since. I can only put it down to post-turkey malaise. If it helps, it is only while Googling around this subject to write this entry that I have realised the nickname “taint” - for the fleshy rather than festive part under discussion - refers to the fact that “’t ain’t the front, ‘t ain’t the back”. Perhaps I knew this but hadn’t consciously made the connection. Anyway, I offer it in some kind of twisted act of contrition. And now that I have lost all linguistic authority, let me weigh in on this year’s vexed question: is it, ‘Twixmas’ or 'Twixtmas'? Well, unless you have a sponsorship deal with Mars, it’s Twixtmas. It’s the ‘between time’ and the fact that we're stuffing ourselves with chocolate during it is incidental. ('T) ain’t no argument otherwise.

Tuesday