England beware Labuschagne has gone back to basics just when Australia need a slice of faith

Marnus Labuschagne carefully spreads butter on both sides of a slice of white bread.

- Jonathan Liew

"That's the key," he tells the camera as he brings down the lid of his sandwich grill. "Boom. Then you get it crisp on both sides." He lifts the lid to reveal a golden square of pure toasted goodness, the melted cheese happily bubbling away inside. "So this is the trick of the trade," he announces. At which point, he does something horrific and unspeakable.

Already, I sense, a glaze of ennui is beginning to form across your eyes. The red lights of sportswriting pretension are flashing wildly. You're probably aware that Labuschagne scored 160 for Queensland this week and is being talked up for a Test recall before the Ashes.

You probably want to read more about that. But firstyou now realise with an anguished sigh - you're going to have to sit through three paragraphs of wobbling whimsy about toasted sandwiches, plus an unwanted bonus paragraph of tiresome meta-deconstruction in the second person. You sigh again.

Labuschagne flips the sandwich on to a plate and walks across to the fridge. "Not many people do this," he announces, "but I actually like the toastie cold.