Nailed it, again, Don...

Dear Donald John Trump, Master of the Universe, Lord of every creeping thing that creepeth, flying thing that flyeth and fishy thing that swimmeth

- BEN TROVATO

Congratulations on your spectacular acquisition of Venezuela! I have always dreamed of a South American country I could call my own. Love the weather and the food. And the girls! Oh, man, the girls. What am I saying. Of course you've done your research.

Personally, I would’ve started with something smaller. Ecuador, maybe, but you went right in and snatched one of the middleweights. I bet a million pesos you're already planning to move on Cuba like a bitch.

Then Colombia. Grab ’em by the president. It’s the only language they understand.

Greenland should be a piece of cake after this. A piece of pastry. A Danish, if you will. Hell, give me a .50 calibre Desert Eagle, a bottle of Balkan 176, a powerful dog and Nuuk will be yours by sunset. Nuuk is not the name of the dog. It’s the capital. I expect you'll give it a more fitting name - Trumptown has a ring to it.

Did you know that Denmark and Norway split up in 1814 and Denmark got Greenland in the divorce? Like you, I also hate people who get things in divorces. So undeserving. Denmark needs to be pushed down the stairs so you don’t have to pay maintenance for Greenland. You know, similar to the way you got sole custody of Ivanka and the idiot boys.