Smart Carr drives our clueless faithfuls mad

WHO IS Helen Mirren? asked Cat Burns on The Celebrity Traitors.

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She's DCI Jane Tennison, pet, and she'd have had you and your fellow traitors in cuffs by now. Have there ever been a more clueless bunch of faithfuls? At Wednesday's banishment vote they reached a split decision on two fellow innocents. No wonder Alan Carr keeps giggling. Carr has come into his own on the show. “Outwitting Stephen Fry is like beating Einstein at chess or Cluedo or somefink,” he sniggered. He couldn't keep a straight face with a bucket-load of Botox.

Watching them convince themselves other players are traitors based on zero evidence every night is worrying though. These people could be sitting on juries.

BBCI's In My Own Words on Frederick Forsyth was starkly different from most modern TV. It eschewed overpowering background music and deranged camera work to let the late author tell his incredible story.

Best known for thrillers like The Day Of The Jackal, Forsyth had also been an RAF fighter pilot, an MI6 agent, a foreign correspondent, and a hard-hitting columnist for the Express. Researching his second novel, The Odessa File, he posed as a neo-Nazi to infiltrate fanatical networks in Germany.

Freddie showed us the 7.62 Nato-calibre bullet that nearly killed him, but instead went through his hair during “an African War”, chuckling as he recalled thinking “if the bastards didn’t get me with that one, they will never get me”.