Tied to the Toxic?

Sometimes, humans long not for the person who hurt them, but for the comfort of the familiar; the dream of who they could've been, and the emotional story they built around them

- DR ERA DUTTA

Dear Doctor,

I was in a relationship that my therapist, all my friends and everyone who knows me described as "toxic." He was unpredictable, manipulative at times, and told me that I was the problem. But we also had some incredible moments. He left me a few months ago, and even though I know I'm better off without him, I still miss him terribly.

It makes me feel weak and confused. Why do I miss someone who clearly wasn't good for me?

— Miss Hopeless romantic

You block them. Then you stalk them. You remind yourself of every hurtful thing they said or did, but at 2 a.m., you still find yourself missing them.

If you've ever felt this way, you're not alone. Many people come to therapy with the same question that "Why am I longing for someone who treated me badly?" It could be in the case of a manipulative ex, a draining friendship, or even a critical parent. It's a deeply confusing feeling loaded with guilt, shame, and internal conflict.

So why do we miss "toxic people"? Here are some reasons: