'I experience bi-erasure on a daily basis'

When Rebecca Cox came out as bisexual she was shocked by the micro-aggressions from all sides - just why are so many people biphobic?

- Rebecca Cox

OH, you’re in your bi-phase?’ At 34, I had been on three dates with a girl I met on Tinder and was telling some friends at a birthday party. I was not, in fact, in my ‘bi phase’. I was in my ‘coming out phase’.

It wasn’t until I had a relationship with a same-sex partner (that was serious enough to introduce to friends and family) that I felt I was able to come out as bisexual. I have known I was bi for as long as I can remember but when I was with my ex-husband — who I met at 18 and was with until we separated when I was 30 — it didn’t seem important to acknowledge my queerness to others, or really, to myself. In many ways I regret this now, but two years as an ‘out’ bisexual have shown me how challenging immersing myself in the queer community while in a straight-facing relationship would have been.

I experience bi-erasure and biphobic comments on an almost daily basis. The following are just a handful of statements made to me (to my face) by friends, work contacts and acquaintances in the last two years: “Didn’t you have your gay phase when you were younger?”; “Are you gay now?”; “Are you straight again?”; “Don’t you miss proper sex?”; “Do you prefer men or women?” (No, you have to choose); “Who’s the man in your relationship?”; “Is that why you got divorced?”; “Are you back on men now?”; “Isn’t it all a bit confusing for your son?”; “You’re not queer, though”.

It’s even more challenging for those who identify as queer but are yet to have a same-sex relationship. One of my closest friends is often challenged by those inside and outside the queer community on her right to the title of bisexuality since she predominantly dates men.