The Upside of Envy

The author of On Our Best Behavior explains why the fourth deadly sin is not a cause for shame but a catalyst for women to step boldly into their own light.

- ELISE LOEHNEN

"She's just jealous of you." As children, we're often fed this line whenever we complain of mistreatment by another child, usually a girl. It's not you, it's her: "She can't control that green-eyed monster within her that wants to bring you down." I don't remember thinking about the truth of this excuse much when I was young; I was happy to take this leap of logic. That girl who mocked me on the playground probably was jealous of me! While this assessment was never interrogated for accuracy, it did provide an easy emotional Band-Aid.

In our culture, we conflate jealousy and envy, even though there's a critical difference between the two words: Jealousy is not between two people. It requires a third. This might show up as someone in pursuit of the same date to the prom, or a sibling who gets more time and attention from a parent, or a coworker who has a better relationship with your boss. Jealousy is about fear and threat of loss, and there's typically a reasonable target. It's a word that gets a lot of use-jealousy feels natural and understandable, even respectable. Sometimes we throw it at each other as a loose, passive-aggressive compliment to disguise our own dismay: "Your husband bought you earrings for your birthday instead of a coffee maker? I'm so jealous! You went to Hawaii? I'm SO jealous! Your kids happily read books without being coerced? I'M SO JEALOUS." Some couples even like the frisson jealousy creates, to be reminded that their partner is objectively attractive and could be swept away by someone else.