"When is Mum Coming Back?"

How to comfort young children dealing with a sudden death

- Sudha Umashanker

IN JANUARY THIS year, my 40-year-old nephew, Akash*, went on an overseas holiday to Kenya to celebrate his upcoming birthday. With him, were his wife, Asha*, and seven-year-old son Chirag*, as well as two other close relatives. The family had meticulously planned a celebration that would be the highlight of a much-anticipated break. But their quest for respite from the daily rigmarole of predictable routine led instead to the most unexpected of events.

A day into the trip, in the wee hours of the morning, Asha awoke to an alarming sound from the bathroom. Her husband was throwing up violently, and would not, or could not, respond to her calls and frantic raps on the door. She called for help and eventually the door was broken down. Akash lay unconscious on the floor. They tried resuscitating him, and then rushed him to the hospital, but to no avail. He was declared dead on arrival.

This unexpected death was a blow for the family, but the question looming largest in everyone’s minds was Chirag. What could they possibly say to a seven-year-old who loses a parent this way, like a bolt out of the blue? How could the bereaved, still reeling from the shock, comfort and explain to a child how to process such a profound loss and cope with this new reality?

We were not alone in this conundrum. Many families find themselves facing utterly bereft while dealing with young children trying to come to terms with the death of a parent or primary caregiver. They find themselves wondering, as we did, about what to say to a child who is going through such grief?