Navigating the Compare-a-thon

It's normal to measure yourself against others, but doing so wisely will help you feel better, not worse.

- KAITLYN PHOENIX

Say your friend posts a photo online of the gorgeous house she just bought. You want to be happy for her, but you can't stop thinking about how you're trying to make ends meet in your small rental.

Does this make you a bad person? Nope, and social comparison is perfectly natural. But is it helpful? Probably not. “Comparing is not inherently harmful, but the context in which we do it often ends up doing more harm than good,” says Keith Payne, Ph.D., a professor in the department of psychology and neuroscience at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and the author of Good Reasonable People: The Psychology Behind America’s Dangerous Divide.

Comparing yourself with someone who in your mind is doing either better than or less well than you are has its pros and cons. “In literature on upward versus downward social comparisons, generally the findings are that upward comparisons can be motivating,” says Payne. “They motivate you to try harder, work harder, etc., but they’re also incredibly stressful and painful.” On the other hand, “we can compare ourselves to those who have less than us, which feels good but can also be demotivating,” he adds.