BAGELS, RANKED

1. PUMPERNICKEL: The king. Strong flavor, but not too strong. Dances with, rather than fights against, the cream cheese and the lox. (Or whitefish, if that's your thing. I don't judge.)

- BY JOSH LIEB

2. PLAIN: Not as fierce a “dancer.” More submissive to the lox. Kind of kinky. Maybe you like that.

3. POPPY-SEED/SESAME: When they're out of plain.

4. EGG: Too cakelike to be a proper bagel, but possibly it reminds you of the challah your nana hand-fed you when she nursed you through polio.

5. SALT: You're someone who really likes salt.

6. ONION: You're someone who really likes onions.

7. GARLIC: Do you actually even like bagels?

8. EVERYTHING: “I can't decide what kind of distracting shit I want on my bagel, so why don’t I add every kind of shit to my bagel.” Good decision-making process.