The Power Of Vulnerability

I feel fear.

- Ajay Kalra

And many other emotions that make me feel small, unwanted and worthless. It’s not that I feel these emotions all the time. They come and go like passing guests. I also feel confident, gifted and connected to others. Why is it then that I find it difficult to talk about emotions that make me feel small, as opposed to emotions that make me feel grand. Why are we so scared to accept emotions that make us feel vulnerable, much less express and share them with others?

Being sent to a boarding school at the age of five, I learnt to numb my feelings as a coping mechanism to deal with painful emotions. As a result, most of my actions were driven by the need to please others. To gain their approval and appreciation, I lost the ability to feel for myself, to know what I wanted and to seek it. Everyone may not have had the same experience as me, yet I do feel we often cover ourselves with a mask that protects our vulnerability. My mask for many years was a stoic look. Not revealing emotions of any kind on my face, even though I felt them intensely within.