Letting Your Child Fail

How making mistakes can build self-confidence and resilience

- Caitlin Wheeler

From President Theodore Roosevelt to technology entrepreneur Elon Musk, successful role models have been telling us for over a century that we can learn from our mistakes. But modern society’s obsession with perfection is stifling this long-held wisdom. Today’s youth often compare themselves to the lives and images they see on their digital screens, which can increase anxiety and self-doubt. Fortunately, parents can take an active role in normalizing mistakes, and transform failures into strengths.

Perfectionism Versus Resilience

Perfectionism is the opposite of resilience, says Andrew Hill, a professor of sociology at York St. John University in the United Kingdom, adding that it’s captured in “how unrealistic your standards are and how harshly you evaluate yourself.”

Hill has done extensive work chronicling the rise of perfectionism and notes that perfectionists are highly sensitive to mistakes. They “will often avoid scenarios that are challenging due to a fear of failure,” he says.

Striving for perfectionism can be especially damaging to teens. “Having unrealistic standards and being extremely self-critical is going to make life tough for teenagers,” he says. “It is an important time for social and self-development. Perfectionism will make this time more difficult and stressful.”

Tara Egan, a psychologist, author, and founder of Charlotte Parent Coaching, says perfectionism and resilience can be genetically determined. “You can see it as young as infancy,” she says. “Some babies are more fretful and rarely smile, and are more likely to grow into worriers, while others are more easy-going.”