One girl’s unfiltered truth

I slid the control button from left to right, trying to find the perfect place to rest the little black dot, giving my nose a subtle yet enhancing edit.

- By ALEKSEI RIVAMONTE

Once I was “satisfied,” I moved to the next tab and slid the dot back and forth once more, adjusting it ever so slightly to make my breasts appear larger but not so large that people who see me in real life would go, “Her breasts aren’t that big.”

Once the major changes are done, I smooth over any imperfections left in my face and in my body: the dark circles, the chunky arms, and the scattered dots on my back. Finally, I adjust the width of my face, because smiling with my teeth engorges my already round face.

I do this ritual every once ina while, especially when I feel so insecure that I have to fool everyone who still has access to me that I am, in fact, a desirable person and that I am not an ugly, forgotten hermit who has decided to hide herself from the world. While my friends, family, and colleagues see a familiar face return in my social media profiles instead of a blank female silhouette, I see an area of vulnerability where I could be exposed any minute. So after all the trouble, I end up deleting the pictures in a span of minutes.

I was 18 years old when COVID-19 froze society. Fresh out of high school, I spent my days worrying about how the lockdown had physically changed me. I had nothing to do except eat, lie in bed, and stay awake until 5 a.m. I gained a few pounds, got fungal and back acne, and the circles that sat below my eyes got darker and darker as the lockdowns in Manila grew longer.