The first time I acknowledged I was trans, in the properly conscious sense, beyond speculation, was around my 30th birthday. Almost four years before I came out publicly.
"Do you think I'm trans?" I'd asked a close friend. They answered hesitantly, knowing no one can come to that conclusion for someone else, but they looked at me with a quiet recognition and said, "I could see that ..." It was a light shining through from under the door.
Then there was the time when I wasn't the one to bring it up. I was having a small party. People jumped in the pool and huddled together on outdoor furniture. My friend Star and I sat off alone, catching up on the patio. I met Star when we were making the first season of Gaycationshe worked at a San Francisco clinic run by trans women that offered health care and support for those in the LGBTQ+ community who needed it.
Star and I connected, in that way where the future flashes, an auspicious beginning. We stayed in touch and became good friends. She has experienced far more obstacles and barriers than I have, yet she holds space for me, supports me, sees me. She's a singer, and I remember being mesmerized by her voice when I first listened to her album, Star. The lyrics of her song "Heartbreaker" played on repeat in my mind for weeks after:
I run away from feeling too good
I'm scared as hell you'd leave me if you knew
I run away from feeling too good
I'm scared as hell you'd leave me if you knew
This story is from the June 12, 2023 edition of Time.
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This story is from the June 12, 2023 edition of Time.
Start your 7-day Magzter GOLD free trial to access thousands of curated premium stories, and 8,500+ magazines and newspapers.
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